I will have to try that diet.

Other joke threads:
viewtopic.php?f=17&t=2630
viewtopic.php?f=7&t=4377

How do you name a volcano? -Just bash your head to the keyboard and there you have a name, imma name the volcano... hrarfrety.

LOL!!!!

1. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"



2.There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."



3.This one is hillarious:

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

-- Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:16 pm --

A man in the elevator.At one point, woman comes in.After two floors the woman stops the elevator looks in a flirty way to the man, takes off her top and her bra and throws them on the floor.
-Com'on make me feel like a woman
The man thinks about it a bit, takes off his shirt throws it on the floor and says:
-Go ahead, wash it and iron it!

Two babies at nursery:
- What are you?Boy or girl?
- Boy
- How do you know that?
- If the nurse gets out I'll show you
The nurse gets out and the baby raises his blanket.
- Look, I have blue socks.

A woman says to a man to a party:
-You look pretty much as my thrid husbant!
- How many times have you been married?
- Two times until now.

A guy goes to a famous witch for her powers of breaking curses. When she sees him so sad she asks him:
- Well, now so that I can be able to break this curse you have to tell me the exact words which tied you to it.
- "I pronounce you husband and wife."

What did God say after He created the man? What the fuck?I can do better than that!

The man to God:
- Why did you make the woman so beautiful?
- So that you love her
- But why did you make her so stupid?
- So that she love you back.

Marriage life is very frustrating.
In the first year,the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
Starting with the third year they both speak and the neighboors listen.

The little boy asks his father:
-Daddy how much it costs to get married?
The father answers:
- I don't know yet.I still pay for it.

NOTE:This one is GROSS!Ewwwwww!!!!

A vampires bar. One night a very ugly vampire with HUGE fangs comes to the bar and asks the barman for a cup of blood from a girl of 17 years. The barmna gives him the cup of blood, he drinks it,pays for it and leaves.A even uglier vampire comes and says:
- I want a cup of blood from a girl of 16 years!
He gets the cup, drinks it, pays for it and leaves. There comes another vampire even more uglier than the other two and says:
- I want a cup of boiled water.
The barman, dismayed says to him:
-I'm sorry sir but this is a vampires bar.Here you will only get blood.
- Look, if you don't want to get in trouble bring me a cup of boiled water. The barman a bit scared goes and brings him a cup of boiled water,but being curious asks him:
-Sir, if you don't mind, what do you plan on doing with this boiled water?
- I wanna make a tea,do you have anything against this?Then the vampire takes out of his pocket a freshly used pad.

EWWWWW!!!!!

-- Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:17 pm --

Blah I hate when the posts get edited.

LMAO all just too funny
-------------------
Shower like a woman...

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Shower like a man...

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way Hey!!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.

a panda walks into a resturaunt and orders a sandwich he eats the sandwich pulls out a gun and shoots the weiter dead
as the panda stands up ready to go the manager shouts "hey where are you going? you just shot my weiter and you didnt even pay for your sandwich" "hey man im a panda" the panda shouts back "look it up!" the manager opens a dictuionary and reads "panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of asian origin charecterized by disitrict black and while coloring eats shoots and leaves"

whats the difference between a mercedes and a bunch of dead babies?
i dont have a mercedes in my garage

A little boy hits his knee on his desk at school and screams FUCK out loud. The teacher screams him that he has to go home to think of how to act in school. The boy walks to the door and screams fuck 5 times and says "Do i now have the whole week of?"

LMAO, I've been reading through all the jokes here and I
had to laugh so loudly, my hubby looked at me and asked:
" are you getting crazy or something??"

Now here is a joke from me:

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

LXCarisma wrote:

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

LMAO, I would shove my foot up his ass and tell him, "too bad, you are stuck with me".

Joke: There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Lmfao. Some of these jokes are great ! Anyways

3 nuns all die at the same time in a car accident and all 3 are waiting at the gates of heaven when saint paul approaches them.

Saint Paul: Welcome to the gates of heaven, before you enter the gate i must cleanse you.
Saint paul speaking to the first nun: Have you touched a penis with any part of your body?
Nun 1: Only with the tip of my finger
Saint Paul: Stick your finger in this holy water then.
Meanwhile, the 3rd nun pushed herself in front of the 2nd nun.
Saint Paul: Why did you push yourself in front of her?
Nun 3: If you think I'm gargling my mouth out with that water after she sticks her entire ass in you got another thing coming!

Joke 2:
A wealthy old business man in his late 80's had just married a young, beautiful blonde in her 20's and they were having their honey moon.
The blonde did not want to tire the old man and hurt him so she did not suggest the love making that she had always hoped for on her honeymoon
Suddenly, the man stopped and said "Don't you want to make love like you've always wanted?" Shocked at the enthusiasm of the old man, she happily obliged and made love with him for 15 minutes.
After that they both returned to their seperate rooms in the hotel.
She heard a knock on the door and answered it; it was her new husband who suggested more love making.
She happily obliged yet again and continued the night of love making and made their ways apart afterwards.
Yet again, a knock occurred on her door and the old man asked for more love making. The blonde obliged yet again and finally had the nerve to ask 'How do you keep going at your old age, hunny?"
The old man said "You mean I've been in this room before?"

Joke 3:
An old married couple were gardening together one morning. The husband noticed how enormous his wife's butt had grown and started to tease her
"Hey hunny, your butt must be as big as the grill now!"
The wife became furious as he continued to tease. He left with some measuring tape and measure the grill then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep, 32 inches, just as big as the grill."
The wife left, outraged at her husband and didn't talk to him for the rest of the day.
Later that night, when they were in bed together the husband asked
"How about a little fun, babe?"
The wife replied
"You think i would fire this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"